The Trip That Almost Wasn't.

(Foreword: We are moving in chronological order, starting from Week 3 of December 2005. And by "we", I mean, "me", and by "me", I mean, "incredibly charistmatic Asian male". Just thought I'd make that clear.)

So way back near the beginning of December, my buddy Ian informs me that he will be planning a week-long trip to Canada. Specifically, he mentioned renting out a chalet, snowboarding at Mont Tremblant, and clubbing in Montreal as key points in the itinerary. And being the hardcore (Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme!) snowboarder that I am, I immediately asked the obvious follow-up question:

"So dude, isn't it, like, cold in Canada?"

To which he replied,"What?"

Okay, so I didn't really ask that question. But it does touch upon the level of ignorance we collectively displayed in preparing for the trip itself. I'll explain in engrossing detail:

A few days before the trip was scheduled to start, Ian and his med school buddy Scott finally put together an outline of our travel itinerary (read: Ian dumped all the work on Scott). I'd like to take a moment to stress the word "outline." Here: Outline. As in, an astute reader is left with certain pertinent questions such as:

1. Hey! What are the directions to Canada?
2.What are we supposed to pack? Any specific items of importance?
3. Do we know our way around Montreal?
4. What about currency exchange?
5. What about driving conditions?

Unfortunately, there was a decided lack of astuteness being passed around, because none of us really thought to ask these questions, and if they did happen to cross our minds, the answers might have sounded like:

1. What's AAA?
2. Passport? Nawwww, it's Canada!
3. We'll wing it!
4. Strip clubs will exchange it gladly!
5. Frequent snow, icy roads, and around 30 hours of total driving time? Nah, my car is fine as is.

A chilling prelude, to be sure (No pun intended). For the record, Ian's wife, Connie, had decided that she would take a step aside and "let the boys handle it". I suppose there is a lesson here to be learned regarding the skill difference between men and women, but I choose to remain completely obtuse to it. So nyah.

I will now present the first day of our trip in Outline itinerary form:

I. 9:00 AM
A. After packing gear in van, drive to Tom's house.
B. After packing Tom's gear in van, van will not start.
C. Initial attempts to jumpstart fail. Frantic calls to Ian ensue.
D. Belatedly realize that van was shifted in reverse during the entire jumpstart process.
E. Candid remarks regarding Wilson's intelligence abound. Drive van to Ian's house.

II. 10:00 AM
A. Pack group gear into van. Group decision to replace van battery, just in case.
B. "Hey, wait a minute", Wilson queries. "Do you need our passports?"
C. Group decision results in Wilson and Tom driving Ian's car to pick up passports, and Ian's
group taking Wilson's van (ak.a. The Black Sexy) to garage for battery replacement.
D. Wilson, after arriving home, realizes that his house keys are on his keychain. Namely, the
keychain currently in Ian's possession. More candid remarks occur.
E. Ian, having not found a single garage open, is already in New York State when frantic
phone call is received.
F. Operative phrase of the day thus far: "Oh, you're shitting me!"

III. 12:00 PM
A. After Ian arrives with house keys, group decision to postpone departure in lieu of lunch at
Macaroni Grill.
B. Macaroni Grill > Olive Garden
C. After switching vehicles to proper owners, departure commences.

IV. 7:00 PM
A. Tom and Wilson arrive at border post. Guard spouts questions in French and wonders
why the Asians are staring at him.
B. Guard: "Do you have any alcohol in your possession?" Wilson, with certainty: "No."
C. Tom and Wilson wait at border post for Ian's group. Wilson can't find his cellphone.
Cursing ensues.
D. Ian's group is pulled over for speeding. Group decision to conclude that state troopers
are, indeed, dipshits.
E. Tom: "Hey Wil, I think Ian put all the vodka in your van." Wilson: "................."
F. Ian's group arrives at border. Huzzah!
G. Third group (Med school buddy Scott + 3 other med school students) calls. We are
informed that all the workers at Mont Tremblant are on strike, and the mountain has been
closed.
H. "Oh, you're shitting me!"

V. 8:30 PM
A. Arrive at Montreal
B. Looking for place to eat - Problem:
1. No idea where restaurants are located.
2. Only have standard Montreal map.
C. Dan asks Canadien police officer for directions and location of nearest gas station.
1. Sample philosophical argument
a. Premise 1: Officer pretends not to know English
b. Premise 2: Officer finally says,"There are no gas stations in the city."
c. Premise 3: There are many gas stations in the city.
d. Conclusion: Trooper is a dipshit.
D. Due to lack of local currency (presence of Ian's wife made Operation Strip Club Exchange
difficult), forced to find restaurant that takes credit cards.
E. Large local Vietnamese population = Inordinate number of Vietnamese restaurants. We
pick one.
1. Waitress is very cute. Unfortunately, she has a voice like Mickey Mouse after a
hard kick to the crotch.
2. Obligatory dirty jokes abound. Wilson: "It would be like sleeping with a dog toy."
Buddha shakes his head and makes a mark on his clipboard.
3. Food is delicious. As a gesture of thanks, we ask that the check be split 5 ways.
(We're good like that.)
VI. 10:00 PM
A. Fill up on gas, leave for chalet.
B. Wilson notes that every other building in the city is a strip club/XXX video. Frenchies.
C. Groups 1 and 2 get lost because apparently, every other exit in a two hour stretch of
highway leads to Route 111. Dubya. Tee. Eff.
D. It is -15 Celsius. It is snowing. It is so cold, the defroster on full is barely keeping tabs.
We are forced to expend gratuitous amounts of windshield wiper fluid to keep road grit
off windshields. Life is good.
E. Pick up chalet key at Shell gas station. Tom loses cell phone. We eventually recover it,
but not after it suffers from water damage. In a galaxy far, far away, someone is
laughing at us.
F. Chalet is located within a mass of narrow backcountry roads. The roads are covered in ice,
snow, and are a fair imitation of a roller coaster track. The leafless trees crowd onto the
path, their branches clacking together in wicked applause. The darkness makes every hill
seem like a black, bottomless plunge. Life is good, quoth the raven, nevermore.
G. Ian's car gets stuck on the hill right before the chalet. "And isn't it ironic...."
H. After freeing Ian's car, he proceeds to park at the bottom of the hilly driveway leading to
chalet. Car gets stuck in snow once again. Bitchin'.

VII. 12:00 AM
A. "Oh, you're shitting me......this house kicks ass!"
B. The house comes equipped with pool table/game room, spacious bedrooms, jacuzzi,
bar, big TV, grill, a fully loaded kitchen, and gets 40 miles per gallon. Does this come in
black?
C. Exhausted, we unpack, and fall asleep.
D. Fin.


Aaaaand that, folks, was just the first day. Friggin' incredible. It was as if God were looking down and upending Pandora's Box on our heads.

Whew, that was long, and I'm tired. I'll finish the rest of the trip in the next post, along with appropriate pictures.

Peace.